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Dying

May 31st, 2014 at 12:09 pm

I can't take this anymore. I can' breathe, I can't stop crying. I just threw up my lunch.

How could I be wrong about someone for 12 years. Am I really that stupid?

He asked me to go shopping on Thursday, came to my softball. Been texting and calling. Things seemed good considering.

This morning I went to my 2nd Al-Anon meeeting and got my oil changed, did dishes and actually cooked a lunch. Felt good I did so many things and was productive.

Then today I talked to him on the phone and he thinks it is best for both of us to be apart for good. He is not coming back.

How could I be so wrong about everything in my life?

11 Responses to “Dying”

  1. Petunia 100 Says:

    Oh, Banker Gurl. {{hugs}}. You haven't been wrong, sweetie. He has changed. His alcoholism has changed him.

    What do you think of Al-Anon so far?

  2. Another Reader Says:

    He's an alcoholic. He's manipulating your emotions. It's not your fault, it's his fault and his behavior. Your only mistake was assuming you could change him. You cannot. Lots of people make this mistake. You can recover from it and move on. Others have, lots of them belong to Al-Anon.

    What did the Al-Anon folks suggest for dealing with this behavior? Did they explain that he will not change and there is nothing you can do to make him change? That any change he makes has to be his choice and he has to choose to change to help himself?

    If I were in your shoes, I would consider cutting him off completely. He's playing with your emotions. He's hurting you and you do not deserve to be hurt. You deserve a better life and a better partner.

  3. snafu Says:

    {{{{Hugs}}}} This is all too new and too fast to take in. Breathe, breathe, breathe and move one teeny baby step at a time. I don't believe the facts and facets have been explored and reviewed yet. I don't believe this guy is thinking straight, he seems to be acting out to say things just to hurt you and possibly make you over react...say things best left unsaid for the time being. I wonder if the idea of you going to Al Anon play a role. He might have to face up to being an alcoholic and the idea is causing him to lash out, making mean and evil statements.

    He obviously is missing you and your many kind, thoughtful, gestures. It will likely take all your fortitude and determination to remain quiet, unprovoked and Breathing. I truly hope you'll see a professional counsellor for an unemotional, knowledgable, point of view. This is a safe place to vent if he doesn't watch your SA posts. It's not a good idea to vent with people who know you both as statements are easily misinterpreted.

    It's asking a lot but I hope you will continue your plan, be productive, carry on with softball, your list, work, daily routine, Al Anon, and as much physical activity as possible to grind out stress and frustration. Would you consider yoga?




  4. laura Says:


    Is this situation worth dying for? I would argue that it isn't. Your identity is fused with a marriage/man/spouse/husband/wife. Of course your identity and core is being shaken. I would argue that you are far more than a wife to this man. I think that you need to see a therapist/counselor/pastor/someone who can help you given your past behavior surrounding the perceived hopelessness of this situation. Know that there is a life past this. Ultimately, this isn't about him. It is about you. And you need to see your personal worth.

  5. Banker Gurl Says:

    I have been to 2 Al-Anon meetings so far and they have been immensely helpful. But they are only an hr and haven't really gotten into my personal situation yet. Been soaking things in and offering some personal comments, but my voice cracks and I start crying every time I speak. Frown There are other meetings during the week, it is harder for me to get to those with two nights of softball, but there is a Monday night meeting so I think I will add that one to my week as well. Today 3 people gave me hugs and said they were glad I was back. And then I cried some more. Frown
    Snafu - YES I definitely think it makes him angry that I am going to Al-Anon. Which is frustrating to me...don't you want me to feel better, and to know how to handle this? No you don't. Cause that would mean you have to admit there is a reason for me to go to Al-Anon.

    I have a number for a counselor and will call on Monday.

    Another Reader - Are you my Mother? Cause she said many of the exact things you have. "He's playing with your emotions. He's hurting you and you do not deserve to be hurt. You deserve a better life and a better partner."
    And yes Al-Anon is TRYING to tell me those things, and I hear them, but so many of them are hard for me to understand right now. I did say that at the meeting and they told me it will take time.

    HEADACHE

  6. Kiki Says:

    I am so sorry that you are going through this.

    My sister was with a man who used alcohol and drugs to destroy his life, their life and almost the lives of their three beautiful children. He is still using but they are now divorced.

    Out of her situation she became a strong, independent, woman. She is an amazing mother, sister and soon to be wife to an amazing man who loves her and her kids.

    She did it through counseling and Al-anon. Yes, she went, sometimes 4 or 5 times a week. It helped her immensely and I hope it will help you. I attended with her when she returned to our area. It was nice to learn skills to cope, how to deal with him, how to be able to move on.

    You are in my thoughts.

  7. Petunia in a Flower Garden Says:

    I feel for you, BG. I think Al-Anon will help you so much. . . but it will take time. I'm sorry that you are in an up and down cycle. Alcoholics can be so sweet and charming (my family tree is full of them) but at its heart alcoholism is selfishness, among other things.

    When you love someone, and you've given yourself whole-heartedly into your marriage, you will always think the best of your partner even when their behavior in someone else would have you running for the hills. Don't be too hard on yourself for the amount of time - 12 years. You are really knowing who he is now, warts and all. If he chooses alcohol over growth, that is his choice and really has nothing to do with you.

  8. Thrifty Ray Says:

    {{hugs}} I hope you keep attending those meetings. Each time you talk about what your feeling you are taking a step closer to healing. Soak up the information and put it into action for yourself. You are worth it.

  9. Looking Forward Says:

    ((HUGS))
    I agree with everyone above!

  10. CB in the City Says:

    I am glad he has finally come clean about what he wants. Now you can move forward instead of torturing yourself with thoughts of reunion.

    How could you be so wrong? You loved him, and you believed that he felt the same way. People in love usually do. But would you ever treat someone you love the way he treated you? He has been using you when he needs you then dropping out when he's done. Now, apparently, he is on to something else.

    Good riddance, BG. Someday you will be able to say it yourself.

  11. SecretarySaving Says:

    I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope your days get better!

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