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I opened MY new checking account

June 16th, 2014 at 05:28 pm

I went to the bank and opened my new checking account today. Also closed the mortgage checking account. I put in $100 from our joint checking (and gave DH a $100 to open his new checking). I also had $600 from a bonus I got and DH said I could take that money for myself, so now I have $700 in there.

Had an AWFUL day with DH. I am just so full of anger right now. He is still not owning up to friends and family about his actions....but throws me under the bus every chance he gets. I talked to his BF today who he supposedly "told everything to" and he didn't know the half of it.....as an example...DH likes to say "I texted inappropriately" Ummmm....NO! You texted MY COUSIN/BF what you wanted to do to her, and when she said "No...Banker Gurl is gonna kill you"....you said "Banker Gurl doesn't have to know". Just own up to what you did and stop acting like you just did tiny little things! (This is just an example...there are lots more and lots worse).

We have been dealing with this for 7 months and he has still not told either of his parents ANYTHING! They have no idea there are any problems and DH is just gonna drop on them that he is divorced.....wow, they are really gonna love that. They live 8 hrs away and are both alcoholics and I have thought about trying to call them, but who knows when they are coherent enough to comprehend, and he is their baby boy after all so I don't think anything good would come of it. I am sure they will blame it all on me....his mother has never cared for me (she showed up to our wedding wasted and yelled at me about the place cards until I cried....YES that happened!), his Dad loves me but I am not his child.

I called his sister a few weeks ago and she wouldn't talk to me.....of course DH told her my mistakes but neglected to mention any of his numerous problems, lies, cheating etc. Makes me SO, SO, SO mad. I know DH will tell only what makes him look like the less evil and sugarcoat all his wrong doings.

I told him this today when he was getting some more of his stuff. Got in huge fight and ended with him "Lets not talk anymore" Me "Finally we agree on something, have a nice life".

UGH. Whatever. Guess I know the truth and that is all I can deal with. Can't worry about all his friends and family that he lies to, most know the truth anyways since DH has cheated in front of lots of them in someway/shape/form.

But anyways glad to have one more thing done on the financial list. Checks are ordered (free from bank) and now my account is all set to go when I am ready for it.

31 Responses to “I opened MY new checking account”

  1. creditcardfree Says:

    It is okay to be sad and mad, however the truth is you cannot control what he does or says. Nice job on the checking account!!

  2. SAK Says:

    Good for you Banker Gurl!!! Just a big hug for you. You might want to consider just a basic response if people bring something up like "the people involved know what happened and now we are moving on"

  3. frugalredhead Says:

    So sorry Frown All the more reason to completely cut yourself out of this extremely unhealthy relationship. I have a similar person in my life where nothing is ever her fault and everything is very one-sided. Unfortunately I can't divorce my mom Wink
    Cut all ties and move on and BE HAPPY! Smile

  4. Another Reader Says:

    As you said yourself, he's a liar, a cheat and an alcoholic. You need to let go of this. Being angry is not going to change anything. Don't fight with him, don't call his sister, don't call his parents. Get the keys and the garage door opener. Be done with him and his bad behavior.

    Any money you receive after the day you split is yours, period. Get the refinance started, consult an attorney about the legally correct way to split the assets and then get the divorce filed. It's time to rip the band aid off and move on.

  5. Jenn Says:

    It's tough to read your posts about the toxic relationship. You shouldn't give a flip about what his friends & family think. That's your past. Your future will be so much better. Set personal goals and think ahead! The checking account is a start - congrats.

  6. Rachael777 Says:

    Just a hug and I know it is hard but you are doing really well. just keep on moving. Smile

  7. snafu Says:

    {{{Hugs}}}, happy you opened your own bank a/c as a significant step forward. I'm wondering how to convince you that we offer suggestions with the best of intentions in hopes of being helpful. I wish you'd re-set the garage door opener code and have a locksmith re-set locks on the doors. I hope it's ok to refer to this guy as 'X' as he hasn't left a good impression and chose to relinquished his role as a DH. Rather than go to AA and take responsibility for his toxic behaviour, he chose to have his own apartment, symbolically selected a new set of pots and pans and now needs to remove all his belongings by a set date.

    X can't tell his parents or people he cares about that he has failed at marriage. He can't tell himself truths like he is an alcoholic.

  8. creditcardfree Says:

    ((Hugs)) I have to chime in once more, only because I think what snafu wrote 'He can't tell himself truths like he is an alcoholic' is so true. His truth (or reality) isn't the same as you see it, this is where the brain of an alcoholic gets skewed. So if he doesn't want to see the reality, how can you expect him to talk to others and tell them the reality he can't even see. Your job isn't to fix all the lies he tells. Your job is to take care of you and move on. It will get immensely better when he is OUT of YOUR house. When is that deadline again?

  9. seahorse Says:

    Yay for getting your own checking account Smile.

    Ugh on all of his lies. Just remember that all the important people know the "real" story and those that want to live in la la land can Smile.

    You have come a long way since this awful journey began and you are getting stronger and more empowered.

  10. LuckyRobin Says:

    I am sorry, honey. You are still on my prayer list. ((((HUGS))) I second changing the locks and the door code for the garage. And a date to get his stuff out by or it goes on the porch for 24 hours and then to the curb with a free sign if he doesn't pick it up. This needs to be done for your own mental health. It is no good for you to have him still coming around. I'd forget about his family. Keeping contact is not healthy for you and will just lead to more hurting. You don't need more pain in your life right now.

  11. Regichka Says:

    Don't worry what he said or did, it is not your problem anymore. And it is true alcoholic people never accept that they have problem with alcohol, they think they are in control of everything and everyone. I know it is hard to move on and hard to forget the past, but as the my kids movie says: " THE PAST IS IN THE PAST", and nothing you can do to change it, except move on with life. I know it is super hard. Hugs. And keep up. You are doing great.

  12. Banker Gurl Says:

    Thanks again everyone for the kind words and hugs. Appreciate it so much.

    Snafu - Thank you, I hope you know I truley understand that everyone is only giving this information/advice with the best intentions. I do know that. There is still a button stuck in my head that I feel the need to defend him even when I know I shouldn't. That is one of the things that they have been talking about at Al-Anon. Stop making excuses for that person. Stop defending them. They are responsible for their own actions, and you are responsible for only yours. It makes sense on paper....but gets scrambled in my head.

    I can't change any garage code, it is just a remote and they are both set for our garage. I imagine there is a way to reset them but I wouldnt have the slightest clue.....I did ask him for the garage door opener and the keys back yesterday again and he said he would give them back when the house is out of this name....I will try to talk to him about it again today.

    I have been telling him numerous times that he needs to get his stuff out and he has been actively working on it, but he just has a car and has been taking car loads at a time which is slow moving. I will tell him to borrow his friends truck and get it all. Part of the problem is a lot of it isn't packed, and I don't want to pack it for him...he can pack his own crap...so when he comes over it takes time to box things up, load, etc. But I am not helping...NOPE.

    He texted me this morning and said he was sorry he yelled at me yesterday. He is always sorry. Doesn't fix nothin.

  13. Another Reader Says:

    He is using the "not out of his name" as an excuse to come to the house whenever he wants and prolong the break up. He needs to know that he is no longer welcome in your house. He doesn't live there any longer. In your shoes, I would change the locks now and I would look for the garage door opener manual and change the code. Perhaps a mechanically inclined friend or neighbor could explain how to do that or do it for you. He can make an appointment to pick up his stuff.

    He's an alcoholic. He is not sorry because he takes no responsibility for his actions whatsoever. Truly sorry would mean it's his fault and he needs to change. Not going to happen. Be strong and make the final break. It's in your best interest.

  14. CB in the City Says:

    Don't worry about his lies. People are pretty good at sniffing out lies, and liars are usually pretty obvious. It doesn't sound to me like he has a lot of credibility, anyway! Just keep your head up and keep going. Someday you will be out of this mess and thanking your lucky stars.

  15. Nicklegal Says:

    I have a good friend-divorced- who was married to an alcoholic, like you. It did take her some time to stop making excuses for him. She attributed it to still being in love with him. Eventually, she stated that she couldn't face the fact that she had "chosen" such a broken person for herself. What did that say about her? etc., etc.. I told her it just said that she was young, in love, and didn't have the "world experience" we accumulate as we get older (she'd married at 18;divorced at 28). She's now remarried to a great guy who does not drink--not even a little bit.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to stop allowing X to block the light. As for his family, that's his problem. You need to focus of Y O U!

  16. creditcardfree Says:

    Yep, call a locksmith and change the locks. As far as the garage...you can unhook the opener from the door, using that red pull handle. Then shut the door manually and lock it, if possible. An inconvenience to you in the meantime. You could also have a new opener installed with new remotes. Yes, this costs you money but the peace of mind is priceless.

    I completely understand you not wanting to pack his stuff, but by coming over for a little at a time just drags it all out and it gives him more opportunities to abuse you verbally. Once he doesn't have control or access into your home this might make him see it is easier to come over just once and get it done. He should bring help, and a truck and be out in one day. People move in one day ALL the time. Personally, I would actually find it quite cathartic to pack up someones stuff that I was ready to be done with. I'd put it out on the curb or driveway and send them a picture to pick up before trash day. Smile

  17. Butterscotch Says:

    Have you consulted an attorney yet? You tell us that he lies to friends and family and to you, what makes you think he wont lie in court? What makes you think he wont decide he wants more than the civil verbal agreement that you came up with? You owe it to yourself to consult an attorney or 6 months from now we are going to be reading about how he screwed you over.

  18. Banker Gurl Says:

    I tried to talk to DH....ahem X....today about how I feel about him being in the house. I explained that he should not be in the house without notifying me first and only to get his stuff out. He should be done moving by now. Borrow a truck, get some friends, get it done. I explained that since we are not together, the house is MY place. Your apt is YOUR place. I don't go to your place. You need to stay out of my place. He was pretty huffy about it...why don't I want him in the house...he is just packing...what do you think I am doing when I am there, I am just packing. I explained that wasn't the point...but he was really difficult about it. However when we got off the phone he texted me and said he should have everything out by Thursday. Alright...progress...but that makes me sooooo sad. Frown UGH! Also got a call back from the appraisor and they are coming tomorrow! So things are moving moving! Also I went to the bank on my lunch break and opened a savings account in just my name. I just put $50 in there from my own checking to open it, but at least it's open.

  19. Another Reader Says:

    Good job on scheduling the appraiser to get the refi done and opening a savings account. Great job on standing up to XDH! I'll bet you are getting a lot of support on this from the Al-Anon folks.

    Schedule the lock change for Friday and find someone to change the garage door code. After his stuff is out, his presence in your house is by invitation only!

  20. Another Reader Says:

    I would be concerned about buying out XDH's equity based on tomorrow's appraisal. You need the value high enough to get the loan, but you want the number for the buyout to reflect the value of the house "as is," in its current condition. If it's not possible to get a number from this appraisal that accomplishes both goals, you may need to get a second, "as is" appraisal for the buyout. You want to make a fair settlement, and you do not want to overpay for his share because of an overly positive appraisal.

  21. snafu Says:

    The brand name of the garage door opener is likely printed on the hand unit and the mtor case attached to the ceiling. The manual is probably on-line. Page down to the information about re-setting and hit print. The locksmith who resets the door locks can probably show you how to make the changes needed. I'm guessing X will be angry fuelled by alcohol. You needn't answer the phone or respond to text.

    I wish you would follow Another Readers suggestion to engage an attorney. X is very manipulative and he'll change agreements, terms and conditions repeatedly. I hope you're not emotionally tied to that house as he can force it's sale if he believes it will cause you a lot of pain. Please don't reveal your emotions in words or tone of voice. You need to keep it all as cool and remote as you can muster. If that's not possible you are not required to answer phone or text.

  22. seahorse Says:

    Great job on getting your own savings! Do you have a credit card in your name only?

  23. Joanne Says:

    Hello Bankergirl, i have been reading your blog, and the comments posted. First let me say that I am sorry for all the pain you are going thru right now. It is real, and you are understandably hurt. You put alot of time and caring into your marriage. I aso agree with all of the comments above. Your husband has been manipulating ,and that"s hard to hear. you neeed in my opinion to change your response to him. He won"t like it, but taht is his issue. The more taht you can chnge your response , he will stop texting , etc. I would just tell him clearly, I want your stuff gone by Thursday, or I will put it outside. Tell yourself that you have too much self respect , to be treated badly, by anyone. Just because someone is married does not give him the right to cause harm. And, please go see an attorney. The first consult is usually free. You neeed some legal protection, as any one in this situation would. Don"t let him have any power over your feelings. Change is not easy , but remember tahtall these comments are measnt kindly. your husband wants his way it seems, and if he is drinking, is not thinking clearly. Be glad that you don"t have to put up with any bad tratment. Please know that I mean this most kindly. Think of yourself. and you should be treated with respect. kick him to the curb...

  24. Joanne Says:

    Please exscuse all of my bad typing in the above comment...

  25. Looking Forward Says:

    I second all of the above comments.

    ((HUGS))

  26. mrs linda wilson Says:

    After being in relationship with jimmy fisher for five years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the osun, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before two days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful Dr osun who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the Dr , his email ( rivertemplekingdom@outlook.com) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any kind of help he is a man with diginity.

    Best Regards
    Mrs Linda Wilson

  27. BuckyBadger Says:

    Okay, I know this is a serious thread and I think BG has gotten some great advice and I agree with it all.

    But this last post is BANANAS, right? Is that not the strangest spam you've ever seen??

    Stay tough, BG. Listen to these smart ladies and distance yourself from this toxic influence.

  28. CB in the City Says:

    Yes, it's bananas! Great big honkin' bananas!

  29. Banker Gurl Says:

    Just checked back on this thread....What the!! LOL

  30. shelly dent Says:

    After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drosedebamenspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:drosedebamenspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM,....,.,.,.,

  31. shelly dent Says:

    After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drosedebamenspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:drosedebamenspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM.,,..,.,.,,.,

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