Thought things were going better, seemed to be going in the right direction. WRONG. Have found out about a lot more "mistakes" DH made. Friends and family have been coming to me now that they are aware there are problems and telling me about incidences. Apparently everyone just thought their run-in with DH was an isolated incident, so they chose to not tell me (not wanting to rock the boat) and so I didn't know. Up to 6 separate people now that some kind of inappropriate texts/comments/interactions happened with. 
I assume there is more that I don't and may never know about. Everything that has been reported to me has occurred when he was extremely drunk.
He has apologized, but I don't feel it is very sincere because I had to find out about it from other people even after I had asked him several times if there was anything else I should know. Right now I am finding out about a new one or more details almost everyday. SUCKS.
I talked to DHs BF for almost 2 hrs the other night. He is, like me, extremely shocked and saddened to find out about all this about DH. He had no idea either. Before when everything first started coming out back in Nov, BF was extremely supportive of both of us working on things and staying together. Now after all of this is coming out, he basically told me I would be stupid to stay with him. He said it would be extremely naïve of me to think he could/would change his behavior since he won't stop drinking.
I still want to work on my marriage (I am open to comments and suggestions, but please don't blast me for wanting to stay married, I took vows and I'm not perfect, but I did mean them). DH is going to move out. We are trying to find him an apartment. Initially he was talking about buying his own house, he doesn't want to waste money on rent, and said then if things work out and we get back together then we can use that house as a rental. But now has said he will get an apartment while we see what we are going to do, that way if we decide to stay together we won't have two mortgages to pay on, plus it would probably take him awhile to find a house he wanted to buy.
I am feeling extremely sad, lost and confused. I am sad that he is leaving, disappointed, angry. I also feel some small sense of relief that I won't be made to feel like such a POS all the time, and won't have to sit and constantly be feeling his own feelings of disappointment and loss. We haven't nailed down all the details yet. But we will continue to share the cost of the house and the apartment.
Not much else to say I guess...I don't want to quit. But my family and friends are all making me feel foolish to stay now. I want to feel happy again. I want to feel wanted and needed and loved. I still feel that with DH, but so much trust is lost and he tells me he loves and still wants to be married (he said if he didn't he would just go buy a house and move out and be done with it) but it's so hard to know what to believe anymore after I didn't know the truth for so long. I am not willing to let go of 12 years together, but I am also not willing to live in this limbo or be unhappy my whole life.
DH is looking for apartments today. We will go from here and see what happens.....
Update on me :(
May 4th, 2014 at 04:00 pm
May 4th, 2014 at 04:08 pm 1399219695
May 4th, 2014 at 04:13 pm 1399220035
Jamie - Thank you! Do you have an email I could talk to you?
May 4th, 2014 at 04:22 pm 1399220556
May 4th, 2014 at 05:20 pm 1399224018
May 4th, 2014 at 05:23 pm 1399224228
May 4th, 2014 at 05:28 pm 1399224490
((Hugs)) I think the seperation is a very good idea. Be proud of knowing that is a correct step. It doesn't mean the marriage is over, but it is the place it needs to be for now.
May 4th, 2014 at 08:47 pm 1399236464
May 4th, 2014 at 11:02 pm 1399244560
I agree that space and time are a good move.
Take care of yourself.
May 5th, 2014 at 02:32 am 1399257166
There is nothing you can do about your marriage unless/until DH decides he wants to be sober.
I also think Al-Anon would be immensely helpful for you.
{{{hugs}}}
May 5th, 2014 at 07:55 am 1399276506
I don't blame you for wanting to work things out. I tried to do the same as well with my ex. I would have too, but seeing as how she wanted to be with the other guy she was cheating on me with, it at least made the decision much easier for me.
May 5th, 2014 at 11:12 am 1399288341
May 5th, 2014 at 12:50 pm 1399294216
May 5th, 2014 at 01:19 pm 1399295985
Even though you didn't ask for outside opinions, for what it's worth, I personally believe in doing absolutely everything you can to mend and save a relationship, especially if it's a marriage. Because, those vows that you gave should not become meaningless and hollow.
That and also if the worst should ever happen, then at the very least, you can walk away from it with a clear conscience knowing that you've done all you could, and that if there was more that can be done, well, you would've done that too already.
Either way, you have my heartfelt support as well, and I truly wish you two the best, hoping that you can come out of this, stronger and better together.
May 5th, 2014 at 01:34 pm 1399296855
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May 5th, 2014 at 02:30 pm 1399300206
You need the help of a professional counselor or pastor. I think that there is something valuable in having someone from the outside look at the situation with a non-personal perspective. Separation is one thing, but separation without intervention would be pointless. My brother is single and when he dates, I date, too - simply by being his older sister. He has been in counseling and it has helped him to clarify boundaries and directions/goals for his present relationship. Sounds to me like your husband needs to learn some coping mechanisms. Remember to take care of yourself.
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