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Home > XH Reappears = Emotionally Exhausted

XH Reappears = Emotionally Exhausted

October 1st, 2015 at 03:02 pm

Sooooo...as you know if you read my blog, I got divorced last year after 7 years of marriage, 12 together total (XH wanted the divorce, I did not, I believe when you get married, you stay married, and you figure out your issues, not run away from them...Though now I am so happy that I did get divorced.) We had a LOT of problems, all stemming from his alcoholism (I am not a perfect spouse, but I was willing to work on and fix anything to save our marriage, he was very clear that he would never stop drinking). We divorced as amicably as you can considering it is a divorce and I did not want it, we had no children, we split everything evenly, no lawyers. Shortly after I got divorced I met, well re-met MO (My One) and we started dating, I moved to his town, got engaged, and last month got married. I have had very limited contact with XH. He still gets some mail at my old house (I have reminded him many times to change his address, he moved out in May 2014....so a year and a half ago.....ridiculous!) so I occasionally text him to pick up his mail, but other then that I never initiate contact with him.

He occasionally texts me something random, when he sees something that reminds him of me, etc. This occurs about once a month, and I either ignore the text completely or respond nicely (but platonically), and don't prolong the conversation, answering with few words and no more then 1 or 2 replys (unfortunately I have a very hard time ignoring people because I know how much it hurts my own feelings to be ignored). We are both always nice to each other in texts, but I end the convo quickly and don't "reminice" with him.

Now a few days ago he texted me:

"Soooooo I have something I need to tell you before you see it on FB"

My reply "Let me guess. You got your girlfriend prego."

"Wow you are good"

He then continues to text me several more times about how he was so surprised and yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile I don't respond at all and go on to have a complete and total breakdown including crying till I puke. XH and I tried for 7 YEARS to get pregnant. I can't even start to count how many drs visits, tests, DOLLARS, tears, depression.....and after all the testing we were told very clearly XH IS THE PROBLEM, XH CANNOT EVER HAVE CHILDREN. His numbers were outrageously low for every sperm test. My tests all came back clear and good to go. That all occured after about 2 years of trying, after that he wouldn't talk to me AT ALL about trying invitro, donor sperm, adopting, etc. So for the remaining 5 years of our marriage I waited for him to be able to talk about it and find out if I would ever get to be a Mom....that obviously never happened. After we were in the process of getting divorced he told me "I guess I don't really believe in that other stuff (children from non natural conception)....REALLY?!?!? Well that would have been nice to tell your WIFE 5 years ago!! Or maybe before we got married!! UGH!!!!!! So now he dates some girl (who already has 4 children and lives on the other side of the US) and a few months later she is pregnant.....WTF. Let me be clear I am not upset that he is having a baby with someone else. I am upset #1 because if HE CAN have kids, it sure seems like I am the one that can't. Frown And #2 WHY IN THE HECK ARE YOU TEXTING ME ABOUT THIS??? I didn't text you when I moved to another city, I didn't text you when I got engaged, I didn't text you when I got married, I didn't text you when we bought a new house.....why not? Cause it's none of your business anymore and we don't need to know anything about each others lives! And he knows darn well how painful the baby topic is for me, so I guess he is just trying to be spiteful and hurt me.

So I have my mega breakdown, MO was not home, he was actually at my old house that we are renting out as we had coed softball that night so he went down to get some things done before our game. I get myself together and go down there, still not responding to any of the texts since the first one from XH. I go to softball and try to buck up, his life doesn't effect me so who the he!! cares. My parents come to the game, MO is on my team, and my super awesome BIL and SIL as well. At the end of the games I go get my phone out of my bag, and I have 5 missed texts, 3 missed calls and a VM from XH. The texts are things like "Bummed that you didn't respond" "Well hope life is good to you, I love you always" "I love you"... Frown The VM is a long, clearly drunk VM of "I love you's and I miss you's and everything will be ok" Well that is awesome. For the last 6 months of our marriage when I said "I love you", his response was "I know". NOW he wants to give me "I love yous" BULLSH!T So it was terrible, MO was obviously outraged as he should be if someone is telling HIS WIFE that they love her and miss her. I didn't respond to any of the texts or call him back. That was a few days ago and I havent heard a peep since. Most likely he doesn't remember as he was definitely drinking. So I am torn between sadness and anger. How dare he do that to me. I just got married, I clearly moved on with my life but he feels the need to bring me down. I really hoped that getting divorced would be the rock bottom he needed to get help for his alcoholism, clearly it wasn't. I talked to my Mom and she made a good point about how lucky I was that I didn't get pregnant with X as then I would have been doing that all alone too, and having to explain to my kids why Dad punches holes in the wall, and can't walk straight or slurs his words.....true true.

So there is my drama fest for awhile....I was so mad and upset about it I had to wait a few days to even post this. XH and I still have our car insurance together (since we were amicable with each other it didn't seem like a big deal to temporarily leave the vehicles together and continue getting the multi-car discount) but now I will move my insurance and apparently will need to block XH's phone number, which is not something that I wanted to do, but he obviously doesn't understand what is acceptable contact, which I should have known by now since that is another reason we got divorced....SIGH.

23 Responses to “XH Reappears = Emotionally Exhausted”

  1. Miz Pat Says:

    OK - this guy is toxic - can you block him? Can you change your phone number. You don't need to hear this stuff.

    Also, just because the girl is pregnant, doesn't mean it was him - if you get my drift.

    I really can feel your pain. I wanted a child so desperately, and my husband wouldn't even get his sperm tested. He told his parents we had decided not to have children because he didn't want to propogate his fathers DNA (CRUEL!). We divorced after 32 years and I'm 60 years old and I still feel the intense sadness of never having a child.

    Your ex is thoughtlessly cruel - find a way to cut his communications to you off, or he'll keep doing this to you.

  2. MonkeyMama Says:

    I am glad that you will block his number.

    As painful as the infertility is, you really dodged a bullet by not having kids with him. I guess that is the silver lining to hang on to.

    My first thoughts were, "Is it his child or is she even really pregnant?" I'd take his "news" with a grain of salt.

    & honestly, in this day and age I don't know one single person who wasn't able to have a biological child. (We have a cousin whose infertility journey was of complete insanity, and for years I thought she was the one exception, but she did finally have a biological child by surrogate). It might not be the easy route for you, but it will happen if you want it to happen.

  3. turning a new leaf Says:

    Monkey mama is right, you dodged a bullet as painful as it is. This person sounds sociopathic/narcissistic. You should youtube this behavior, as it was really helpful to get tips from personal coaches, experts and people talk about how to deal with this type of behavior. They find empaths to leach off. The sad part is that people like this don't have boundaries and just push you further (until off an emotional cliff). I understand the feelings in terms of dealing with toxic people, they show up when things start looking up and find whatever it takes to try and bring you down. As horrible as it sounds though, you must be doing well and this person can't take it. they only show up to feed off good or improving energy. it's painful, but stay strong and protect yourself!

  4. Debt-free by Thir-ty Says:

    I agree with MM and MizPat. If she has 4 other kids, I wouldn't be so sure it's actually his.

    And you should definitely block him. Your story always resonates with me. I went through a terrible relationship about the same time I found your blog except my ex's and I's lives weren't so linked as we were just dating. He continually tried to pull me back down even after I had clearly moved on to the point where I eventually blocked him. One thing I will point out, I originally 'blocked' him, but it turned out that only stopped calls and he could still text me and they'd come through. I had to block him through both phone and text. I hope you'll stay strong and won't let him get you down. You seem so geniunely happy now, so just hold on to that!

  5. Another Reader Says:

    XH is a manipulative, self-centered alcoholic. Block his number, change the insurance, and do not respond to any effort to contact you. You have moved on. Make sure MO knows what is going on, as he must see you are upset.

  6. Butterscotch Says:

    My first thought was that it isn't his baby but new girlfriend isn't going to tell him that.

  7. Butterscotch Says:

    And get a new number.

  8. ceejay74 Says:

    He sounds really sick. Document everything before you block him. Just in case he ups the ante to stalker-level stuff, you'll have ammo for a restraining order.

  9. Banker Gurl Says:

    Yes I told/showed MO the calls/texts right away. He offered to go "talk" to XH....I don't want more drama so I declined his offer. I think ignoring and then blocking are the best resolution.

    And both MO and my mother questioned the baby's paternity right away as well. My thoughts are....Do you think his new GF knows he calls his ex-wife and tells he he loves her and misses her???? NOPE! Wonder how she would feel about that??

  10. Livingalmostlarge Says:

    You came out way ahead. I wouldn't worry about it and block his number. It might be his or not. BUT it's not your problem. A friend of mine tried for around 7 years too to have a baby with her XH, he had an affair and got the woman pregnant after they were both told they both had problems. Then she happily remarried and years later after 9 IVF cycles had one child. Life happens. Good luck.

  11. Petunia 100 Says:

    He knows you have moved on and are happy, so he has to toy with you just a bit more. What a self-centered jerk. Frown
    You deserve to have your happiness. Don't allow him to spoil it.

  12. VS_ozgirl Says:

    Oh honey {{hugs to you}}, what an absolute jerk! Maybe it was nice he told you before the news reached FB. That could have been upsetting if you are both friends on there. Definitely move on from contact with him now. You have found happiness and are now married and he tells you all this? Your life with MO sounds awesome, and I guess the silver lining is you're not tied to XH now, because if you had children with him you would have been. Personally I'd choose the new number option but (being me) I'd deliver a parting message that you're changing numbers because it's time to move on. You have a wonderful husband who does not appreciate exes telling his wife that they love her etc - the time for that went when you two divorced. You have to focus completely on your life with him. As he is now a father to be he needs to focus completely on his life. And ps let him know to be sure to get a paternity test, just to send the message that you don't think it's his anyway. Take a deep breath for a moment of closure that this will be the last time ever that XH makes you feel like this.

  13. PatientSaver Says:

    Yeah, I agree with the others, no need to keep accepting his texts if you don't have children together. You're remarried now, so out of respect for him, I would completely sever tires with this unfeeling idiot. There's absolutely no reason to remain in touch with him.

  14. Lena Says:

    I second everyone else-change that insurance and block the insensitive asshat. I want to punch him. I too question the fertility of the baby.

  15. starfishy Says:

    Yikes! I can understand your intense reaction to his news and his persistence in trying to contact you. Yuck. Sorry you had to deal with this and I hope you do block him and completely move on (at least physically in terms of contact, I know that emotionally moving on is a more complex beast even when you think you're done). Good luck! The way you have gone forward and created a whole new satisfying life for yourself is amazing. I'm glad you found someone to share it with who is not broken like your first husband. You deserve an equal partner to share your motivation and zest for life.

  16. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    I'm with everyone else. This guy is no longer worth your time or energy. You have built a new life for yourself - he's probably jealous of that.

  17. My English Castle Says:

    Yuck, Mr. Manipulation looking for some support. Block the number and wave bye bye.

  18. Miz Pat Says:

    OK - did you block him?

  19. greenleaf Says:

    That's awful, but totally agree you dodged a bullet. Surely it would be better for your children to have a stable father. Like everyone else I question whether it's his, but also how horrible that there's a woman out there responsible for multiple children who is so careless as to get pregnant by an active alcoholic. Tragic for all the kids involved.

  20. debthaven Says:

    I'm willing to bet that it's not his kid (as others have said).

    DH's childhood friend's son went through something similar ... he supposedly got a mom of 2 kids from 2 different dads pregnant. DH's friends paid for all the prenatal care, OOP. They said they'd pay for more, but only under the condition that their son took a paternity test after the baby was born.

    He did, you can guess what happened. The parents are still friendly with the girl and her kids. She's now on Dad N 4 or 5.

    The good news is, this is not your problem anymore!!! You should just block him.

    If he can't figure out there is a problem with the fact that you couldn't get pregnant, you both were tested, and he had fertility issues, yet his GF across the country is pregnant with his child (I'm guessing they don't see each other that often), well then that's his problem, and not yours. If he's stupid enough to believe her, again, his problem.

    You have come SUCH a long way! Please let the last of the "toxic" out of your life.

  21. Banker Gurl Says:

    Thanks for the support and suggestions everyone! I especially enjoyed Lena's "asshat" comment....LOL! I have been out of town till today so that was why I didn't respond sooner. While I was on vaca XH texted me that his great-grandma died, she was 99 y/o. I texted back "Sorry to hear that". Maybe I should have just ignored him again? But she was my family too at one time and I just have a terribly time ignoring someone, especially in this circumstance. He did not mention or apologize for the previous texts. Also while I was out of town I got my insurance statements in the mail, MO is going to compare with his insurance costs this week to see if it will be cheaper/comparable for me to be added to his insurance. If it is, we will move me onto his, if not, I will have XH removed from mine. Either way, by the end of the week I should have no more reasons to have contact with XH.

    Thanks again, I really appreciate the comments, suggestions, and most of all the SUPPORT!

  22. SecretarySaving Says:

    I'm just now seeing this. I knew he would reappear with the news of you getting married. I don't believe it one bit that he's going to have a baby. He is trying to get a reaction out of you. He knows which buttons to push. Block him and his family from FB so that they can not see what you have going on in your life, block his phone #. You are in a good position now. I remember when you were hurting.

  23. lirpalynn Says:

    Another thing to remember, if no one else mentioned it (I really just skimmed comments) you don't have to accept mail. If he hasn't changed his address on things, they must not be very important. Write "return to sender" and put right back in the mailbox. He's just looking for a way to hold on.

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