It's only been 4 days, but with being out of town for 3 of those 4 I figured I better stay on top of my tracking so it doesn't get away from me.

8/1 Coke .75
8/1 A&B Pizza $4.98
8/1 Electric Bill $94.38

Out of town
8/1 Blackjack $50.00
8/2 Strawberry Pop $1.06
8/2 Gordmans $21.01
8/2 Scheel's Earplugs $3.21
8/2 Long Horn Steakhouse $49.37
8/2 Hotel Room/Fuel $100.00

8/3 - NO SPEND DAY!!
8/4 - NO SPEND DAY!!

Monthly total so far = $324.76 YIKES.

- The pop on 8/1 was because I forgot my cokes...I usually bring my cokes to work with me with my lunch, or sometimes keep a 12pk under my desk in case I forget, but neiter of those happened that day, so that was unfortunate cause the last time I bought pop I got them for .08 per can.

- The A&B Pizza on 8/1 was because someone STOLE my lunch from the fridge at work. YUP. ANGRY! On 7/31 I had a BOGO Free coupon for Pita Pit (which I never get cause it's too expensive, but since I had that awesome coupon I treated myself) so I got 2 pitas on 7/31 and ate one that day. I put the other one in the fridge at work at about 5pm, by 10am the next morning it was gone. I was sooooo looking forward to eating it too! So I do have some items in my drawer (oatmeal, Special K cereal bars, fruit cups, etc.) but after being excited to eat my Pita Pit I just wanted something delicious so opted for a taco salad instead.

- Gordmans I got $97 worth of merchandise for $21.01! It was nothing I NEEDED, but I haven't been shopping in IDK how long and we do not have a Gordmans where I live so I let loose a little. I got 5 items for $21.01 so very happy with my deals!

- Long Horn Steakhouse, BF never lets me pay for anything. This was only the 2nd meal he let me pay for in 6 weeks, and the other one was Taco Bell...lol. So this was well worth it to me. We do not have a Long Horn where I live and I had never been there. DELICIOUS! Highly recommend the parmesan crusted chicken! And my leftovers were my lunch yesterday and today so go a lot out of that meal!

- I wasn't sure what the plan was for the hotel room/fuel costs for the trip out of town. It was for BF's state softball tournament. We rode up with another player and also shared a room with them, which helped a lot with costs. BF told me later he had payed for 2/3rds of the costs for the room/fuel, so I feel obligated to pay for my 3rd of that. I haven't given him the money yet, so we will see if he will take it, but I already wrote out the check, so I am writing it down.

Should be able to have 2 more no spend days for today and tomorrow. I brought my cokes from home and leftovers for lunch. I will be going to CVS after work, but use my EBs and giftcards on that, so I don't count that towards spending.

I was supposed to track my spending the last 2 months to see how I would be doing budget wise on one income. It was a major fail on my part, just too much going on and not motivated to do it. So here we go, August One, time to do it!

At this time I am not implementing any major changes or concerns, just watching/reducing spending in general is the goal.

I am out of town at least 3 weekends this month so that will make things difficult, but since I know that ahead of time, I will just make sure I am spending less during the week so I have some extra allowance for the weekends. But other then fuel, there shouldn't be too many expenses for me. BF isn't fond of me paying for much of anything even when I try to he usually says no, so most of my food/lodging/drinks will probably be covered as well.
Plus I can pack snacks and drinks to lower the out of town costs as well.

My blog hit 1 Million Hits today! COOL! Thanks everyone for reading and commenting!!

Mini update on me in response to a Q on my last post.

We are waiting for paper work to be finalized for the divorce, I haven't actually filed it yet as we are waiting for the house to be done so we can accuratley record the amounts in the different accounts for XH and I. House closes in 2 days, hoping to file the papers the first week of August, then just waiting on the courts. I have essentially been "alone" for 10 months now....been feeling "alone" for over 2 years before that...and DH moved out 3 months ago. I still feel a lot of sadness for everything lost, but I am finding out that happiness is out there for me, I don't have to feel sad, lonely and depressed...my happiness needs to be a priority now as I never made it one before, and I am not going to let anyone else's perceived "time line" of how long I should grieve this relationship effect me. I am ready to be happy NOW!

Also got 5 missed calls in a row and a drunk VM from XH last night.....so it's not too hard to move on anymore when he clearly still doesn't care to get help for his drinking. I am afraid he is going to be alone forever as an alcoholic who can't have children is not a big selling point when looking for a date....but you can't help someone that won't help themselves, and I can't be in charge of him and his problems anymore. I need to look out for myself and my well being, he only brings me down. I have learned a lot from Al Anon, and BF is a wonderful help in healing as he also had a divorce where he felt alone for years and understands what it is like.

The closing date is set for the house for 7/31. Many mixed feelings in regards to that. Happy to be getting it done and another piece in the puzzle in place towards moving on in my life. Sad and solemn for another step towards that part of my life being over forever.

For the most part been doing good. Lots of fun new activities with BF. Going to Lady Antebellem concert tonight! Still hard moments and days for sure. BF is helping me work through things and it is nice to have support, though sometimes I do have to remind him that I am still broken and cannot be as excited and happy for the new cause I am still very much mourning the old. Had a breakdown a few days ago(just a lot of junk fell on me on one day)....but previously those were daily and I haven't had one in a month....so definitely going in the right direction.

I have most of the divorce papers filled out. Will be working on those more again this weekend and plan to file them immediatley after the house closing.

I cancelled my old direct deposit and set up the new one, so my paycheck is going into my own checking account instead of the joint account.

The potential roomate seems pretty flaky and has not been getting back to me, which is weird cause she came and looked at it and loved it and I ran into one of her friends and she said "Oh yeah she called me and told me how excited she was to move in..etc." So not sure what that is about, but I am going to start looking into other options for a roomate.

Finally going to get caught up on my blog this weekend! I am staying with my new man friend for the 4th, he has to work during the day, but I am excited to have someone to watch fireworks with! He lives about 90 min away, so I packed up my car with lots of paper work, filing and what not to get done and am now relaxing with some CABLE while I get my work done!

Hope everyone has a great Independence Day!

Continuing to get things done in the process of getting divorced.

-Opened my own checking
-Opened my own savings in town
-Opened my own ING Savings
-Helped DH open his ING Savings
-Closed HSBC Savings into ING Savings
-Opened my own Discover Card
-Potential roommate came and looked at the house and will be getting back to me on if/when she can move in, she needs to talk to her current roommates to figure this out.
-Appraisal came in on house so now just waiting for the closing date for the house to be done

Definitely getting things moving. Things with X have not been going great. I have been seeing a guy friend I knew 10 yrs ago who randomly came back into my life. I wasn't expecting this, but he is a great relief right now to have someone to talk to. He has also been divorced and has been giving me a lot of advice and guidance on dealing with things and also been nice to have someone to make me laugh and smile. X is less then thrilled with this....understandable....but YOU are the one that wanted the divorce so what did you think was going to happen?? Well, anyways I wanted to check in with everyone on how I am doing. Been super busy but doing alright and things are moving in the right direction.

Obviously with everything being such a mess in my life right now my head has been scrambled. It's been effecting everything (forgot to pay some bills, tried to take the TV remote outside with me to mow the lawn, start driving to one place and end up somewhere else). It's also been effecting my softball a lot. I've been doing good with my defense, but have been a headcase with batting...I get on base, but not even close to my normal batting and haven't felt comfortable with my swinging.

Last night one of the girls on my team (who I told last week I am getting divorced) was telling me I am just thinking about it (batting) too much. I said My mind is such a mess, I can't do anything right now. She said just go up there and think "F it". About all of it...just think "F it" and I did!

First game I was 3-4, one hit away from hitting for the cycle (I missed the double). Second game 4-4. I hit 2 HRs in one night! I usually only hit 3-5 a season! So EXCITED! Again my HRs are not over the fence...I'm not very big, but I can hit it far enough over their heads and run fast enough that I can get all the way home. In the park or not I will take em! YEAH!

I went to the bank and opened my new checking account today. Also closed the mortgage checking account. I put in $100 from our joint checking (and gave DH a $100 to open his new checking). I also had $600 from a bonus I got and DH said I could take that money for myself, so now I have $700 in there.

Had an AWFUL day with DH. I am just so full of anger right now. He is still not owning up to friends and family about his actions....but throws me under the bus every chance he gets. I talked to his BF today who he supposedly "told everything to" and he didn't know the half of it.....as an example...DH likes to say "I texted inappropriately" Ummmm....NO! You texted MY COUSIN/BF what you wanted to do to her, and when she said "No...Banker Gurl is gonna kill you"....you said "Banker Gurl doesn't have to know". Just own up to what you did and stop acting like you just did tiny little things! (This is just an example...there are lots more and lots worse).

We have been dealing with this for 7 months and he has still not told either of his parents ANYTHING! They have no idea there are any problems and DH is just gonna drop on them that he is divorced.....wow, they are really gonna love that. They live 8 hrs away and are both alcoholics and I have thought about trying to call them, but who knows when they are coherent enough to comprehend, and he is their baby boy after all so I don't think anything good would come of it. I am sure they will blame it all on me....his mother has never cared for me (she showed up to our wedding wasted and yelled at me about the place cards until I cried....YES that happened!), his Dad loves me but I am not his child.

I called his sister a few weeks ago and she wouldn't talk to me.....of course DH told her my mistakes but neglected to mention any of his numerous problems, lies, cheating etc. Makes me SO, SO, SO mad. I know DH will tell only what makes him look like the less evil and sugarcoat all his wrong doings.

I told him this today when he was getting some more of his stuff. Got in huge fight and ended with him "Lets not talk anymore" Me "Finally we agree on something, have a nice life".

UGH. Whatever. Guess I know the truth and that is all I can deal with. Can't worry about all his friends and family that he lies to, most know the truth anyways since DH has cheated in front of lots of them in someway/shape/form.

But anyways glad to have one more thing done on the financial list. Checks are ordered (free from bank) and now my account is all set to go when I am ready for it.

So I recently found out that I didn't pay my Discover bill last month....or my water bill. HUH?!

Not like me AT ALL. Guess with all the stress I am losing my marbles. I got a late fee from Discover but when I called them they took the fee off right away since I have an excellent payment history. I know they have automatic payment options on their website so I guess maybe it is time I signed up for that.

No late fee on the water bill, I made sure I paid it right away so last month and this month are paid.

Now that I have accepted that there is no chance of reconciliation things have been going better with DH. I don't have to feel in limbo anymore or wonder what is going to happen. We have been doing ok at taking baby steps into the friend zone.

Then last night he showed up at 12:30am, obviously been drinking. Wants to "cuddle". Guess what? I want to cuddle too...I'm lonely and sad and depressed. Turns out we have very different definitions of cuddling. DH did not get his kind of cuddling. So anyways, now today I feel like I took a huge leap backwards in getting my head on straight. I shouldn't have let him stay. Should have told him to leave. Should have yelled at him. SIGH.

He texted numerous times today that he is sorry and shouldn't have done that and that he won't do it again, he knows it was wrong to come over...blah, blah, blah. I have had a sore throat for a few days and so he brought me ice cream today too.

As much as I don't want to make space between us...he knows I am getting lots of attention from other men now (99.9% unwanted attention) that they know I am single and I think that may have been a large factor in his actions yesterday. I am going to just have to be an ass and make my own rules and follow them. No more coming over when you want, even if it is to pack or do laundry or fix something for me or whatever. No more house key. No more garage door opener. And no more calling and texting all the time.

Tomorrow is my 7 year wedding anniversary. Heartdaggers.

Test Budget:
Mortgage $1005
Heat/Air/Electric $150
Water $50
Cellphone $50
Gym $25
Internet $50
Car Insurance $50
Fuel $100
Groceries $100
Netflix $15
Going out/beer $75
Unaccounted Expenses $55
CVS $25

Total Expenses $1700

Actual so far
Mortgage $1005 (Estimated for after refi)
Heat/Air/Electric ?
Water ?
Cellphone ?
Gym ?
Internet ?
Car Insurance $50 (Estimate as I don't know how this will change yet)
Fuel $42.06
Groceries $0 so far
Netflix ?
Going out/beer $57.67 (Wendys $3.62, Paradiso $18.46, Taco Johns $7.05, Captain Freddies $28.54)
Unaccounted Expenses $150.29 (Lawn Mower Battery $150.29)
CVS $24.90 ($24.90 Laundry Detergent)

So far I am almost at my max for eating out (and it's only the 8th!), way over on the Unaccounted for expenses (and I know there will be more). Other categories are good so far. Will definitely need to make adjustments. Doing my best to have no spend days.

Thanks Another Reader, Petunia and everyone else that responded on my last post. I know it is hard to access my situation as only knowing what you read. And I know everyone is trying to give me helpful advice.

I went to lunch with DH today to talk about things more to keep them moving. He took another car load of his stuff. He is not and will not be spending/taking money he shouldn't be. He still texts me and asks if he can take $20 out of the ATM. It will absolutely not be a problem. He felt bad that he went and bought a $40 pot/pan set from Wal-Mart without telling me right away.

I feel sad and lonely today. But better. Cause I am finally starting to see that there is something better for me in my future. I have been feeling lonely and alone for a few years now. But I wanted my marriage to work so I just kept trying and thought cause we loved each other things would get better. But between the strain of the drinking and his infertility and now learning about all of his indiscretions....it was just too much and now here we are. If he didn't leave, we would stay married...and I would stay lonely. I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life...so I keep reminding myself of that. Do you want to be lonely the rest of your life? No. Well then this is what you have to go through now so that it doesn't happen.

I went to Al-Anon again this morning and one of the other member's said something really powerful to me about leaving the past in the past. I need to try to remember that.

I also explained to DH that his actions are that of an a-hole....I told him to take a step back, think of only his actions, and not the person doing them. He agreed that if someone told him how he left the divorce papers, how he texts me nice things, but then does something like that is a total jerk thing to do. He also said he has been seeing a counselor and they told him that he was doing things he shouldn't be doing (asking me to go grocery shopping before he told me he wasn't coming back, which made me think that was a good thing) and that his actions directly effected mine...and that his drinking had changed him and thus changed our relationship. It was good to hear that someone else was telling him these things.

Now I will need to decide if I want to be friends with DH when this is all over. Or if I want him out of my life forever. Ideally I would like to stay friends and say hey do you want to go to lunch or a movie or whatever (not NOW but sometime down the road). But IDK if I can do that or not. I told him that...He has been very clear that he wants to still be friends, but he said he understands if I can't handle that. I said I would like to stay friends but IDK if I can cause I am so mad at you about everything and that you want to be my friends, but you don't want ALL of me...and then he said "Oh believe me I want ALL of you (hint hint)...which irritated me a lot. Don't talk to me like that anymore..ugh. Well not trying to go on another vent, but I am starting to wrap my head around things more everyday and soon everything will be out of the house that is his and I know that will help a lot.

Already mowed the lawn, started laundry, went to Al-Anon and did an Ab workout. IT WILL be a good day!

Yesterday I wanted to be a good day after Wed was terrible.

I worked, then worked 2 hrs of OT, then went and played softball in the rain. Was supposed to have a pool party after that with my softball team, but due to the unexpected rain that didn't happen.

I was happy to go home early though...I have not been getting much sleep, I plan on going to bed early, but instead always stay up WAY to late and then I wake up at 4am (I don't need to get up till about 6:30) and lay there. So again I thought I will go home, shower, get to bed early with my book. Awwwwww....

NOPE.

Got home and I had completely forgotten my Mom was coming by today to take all the pictures down. UGH. That SUCKED! I asked her to do that, but I had spaced it out while at softball and initially I though DH had come and done it! Then I remembered I told her to do that and I totally broke down....while I am stumbling through my house crying like a maniac as I look at all the spots that used to have wedding pics, honeymoon photos and everything else that was my life....I see papers laying on the chair that I didn't put there.

Divorce papers.

Thanks.

He texted me all day yesterday "How are you" "Hang in there" "Have a good day" "Kick some butt at softball" blah blah blah

Did any of those texts say "Just so you know and aren't kicked in the face, when you get home, I took some papers there for you to look at". Was that so hard....to give me a LITTLE heads up!?

Yeah so anyways I was a damn mess. My neighbors probably think there is a dying animal somewhere cause that is what it sounds like...just terrible wailing. I hate it so much....but it just takes me over and I can't stop.

Needless to say the going to bed early did not happen.

So that is my sadness vent for the day.

Now this morning he texted me right away in the morning "How was softball" "Do you want to go play Bingo after work?"

WTF

Here is my test budget to use for June. Today is June 1st and I already lost...lol. I had to buy a new battery for the lawn mower..$150. This would fall into the unaccounted expenses category. Of course I have savings to cover things like this, but as the goal is to stay in budget that is unfortunate to have that expense on the first of the month.

Mortgage $1005
Heat/Air/Electric $150
Water $50
Cellphone $50
Gym $25
Internet $50
Car Insurance $50
Fuel $100
Groceries $100
Netflix $15
Going out/beer $75
Unaccounted Expenses $55
CVS $25

Total Expenses $1700


On a personal note from last night....I went out with several friends, mainly a couple that have been dating for a lil over a year I believe... He has been my and DHs friend for about 4 years and have seen him with a few gfs. I really like this one, she is fun and bold and they seem great together. She is divorced and I was glad to be out with someone that has been through this. I'm not gonna lie...I got HAMMERED...and I didn't care. And I told them that me and DH are getting divorced. They were already aware of some of the issues from gossip/rumors about DHs mistakes....and they have seen some of his drunk mess-ups first hand. They took me home to stay with them since we were in the town over from mine (where they live) and obviously I was in no shape to drive. Put me to bed on the couch and they went upstairs to bed. Then the BF comes back down sits on the couch next to me and slides his hand up my shorts...WTF??? Is everyone a cheater??? Starting to think I need a separate blog just for all the damn drama. So that was a crappy end to my night...especially when he knew I was so bombed and that my mind is so scrambled and vulnerable right now. Told him to go to bed, he said he would rather stay and play with me. UGH. He did go to bed but WTF. Seriously can't trust anyone.

Well the only thing that makes me feel better the last few months is working out, a few people who know what to say to make me feel better, and numbers. Since I just threw up I am thinking it's not the time to work out, I already talked to my Mom, Jamie is lost and I don't feel like dragging anybody else down...so that means numbers.

I'm not going to pretend I'm all strong and awesome and gonna be ok right now....but I am gonna figure out what I need to do...so here goes.

I haven't had an actual budget in probably 10 years. Have always been frugal in all areas, so that when we wanted to buy something, we don't need to think about it, we can just buy it since we are always frugal in every area. That is going to have to change.

-I called the bank and left a message for our mortgage officer. I have called her a few months ago and discussed our situation, so she is aware that we may be divorcing and one of us buying out the other. I asked her to call me back and hopefully set up a meeting this week to get an appraisal set up and crunch some numbers. The estimate she gave me previously was $1005 for a monthly payment (I would have to go back to a 30 yr, we are currently 3 years into a 10 yr ) Estimate was for 30yr loan, $150Kish, 4.25% (currently at 2.75% UGH).

-I called and cancelled cable, that will save me $50 a month. They will be shutting it off Monday. I rarely watch TV, I have plenty of DVDs and I have Netflix. If I really wanted to watch something on TV I can go to the gym, or my parents.

So here is what I have for a budget so far. Please let me know if I am missing anything or any suggestions. As I said it has been a LONG time since I actually budgeted my money.

Mortgage $1005
Heat/Air/Electric $150
Water $50
Cellphone $50
Gym $25
Internet $50
Car Insurance $50
Fuel $100
Groceries $50
Netflix $15
Going out/beer $75
Unaccounted Expenses $55
CVS $25

Total Expenses $1650

*Mortgage - this is estimated off the numbers I got from the bank a few months ago.
*Heat/Air/Electric - this is an estimate of bills for all year round. I live in ND so we have very cold winters, and very hot summers. I always hold out as long as I can on the heat and air, dress warmer cooler, use blankets or fans etc...but they are both a NEED here so that is my best estimate.
*Cellphone - I do not have a smart phone and have no interest in getting one. This is for a regular phone with unlimited talk and text. I am not willing to change that.
*Gym - There are some cheaper gyms in my area, but I am very comfortable at my gym, it is close enough to walk or bike, is open 24 hrs, and have TVs on all the machines so I could go watch TV there and enjoy the AC if I wanted. In the summer it isn't used as much, but winters here are much too brutal to not have an indoor workout venue. Would like to keep that the same, but will change if needed.
*Internet - Unlimited wireless internet. I can get most sites, including my blog at work (can't get on FB), but would not be doing that on work time. Plus the internet is one of my main sources of entertainment on nights/weekends. I would like this to cost less....not sure what other options there are here, but that is something I can look into.
*Car Insurance - Not sure how this will change, as the $50 is a monthly breakdown of what we have now for two cars. Since I will lose the dual car discount, married discount etc....it may not go down much if at all.
*Fuel - I mainly only drive to work and softball. CVS once a week. Unfortunately I live on the complete other side of town from work so biking or walking would not be an option. However it is only an 11 min drive (if it wasn't ALL uphill I could consider biking in the summer months...but alas I would never make it up all those dang hills). I usually stay at work and work OT until softball time, so no extra driving there. CVS, the mall, grocery store are all close enough that I could easily walk, rollerblade or bike as long as I don't have too heavy of a hall. I need to get my bike in riding shape. I will work on that asap. I think the $100 is a high estimate, but this way I will have a cushion in case I go out of town.
*Groceries - I don't eat much and am fine surviving on yogurt, cereal, fruit, veggies, milk and a few other staples. Already have lots of soup, noodles, rice, spices etc.
*Water - Water bill never really varies much so this shouldn't fluctuate much, or go down slightly since only one person showering.
*Netflix - This is currently at $25 for streaming and 3 DVDs at a time. I don't need the 3 DVDs, that was something DH wanted. I am not sure of the exact cost of just the streaming but I believe it is around $15 or less. I will request DH to cancel the 3 DVDs or open his own account.
*Going out/beer - This one is tricky. Hard to meet new people with out going out at least sometimes. I am going to stop buying beverages for the house (my own drinking has increased a LOT since DH left) and only have drinks after softball. One of my teams prefers to go out after the games (it's usually happy hour...and I don't HAVE to go out every week), the other always tailgates and has a few beers, MUCH cheaper then going out to a bar/restaurant.
*Unaccounted Expenses - Clothes, softball fees, hair cuts, Al-Anon donations, misc household or yard expenses.
*CVS - Since I make money off of most of the items I get at CVS, I am going to try to keep this in my budget. The $25 is actual OOP amounts, not amounts paid with gift cards or extra bucks.

Income:
My take home pay right now is $1000 every two weeks. That is after 6% goes into my 401K and $25 for health insurance. Once DH is off my health insurance, that will go down to $0. So my take home pay will be $2050 per month. That does not include any OT (I average about 7-10 hrs a week in OT which is paid at time + 1/2). I usually have about $200-$250 per paycheck in OT pay. At this time OT is unlimited (up to 12hrs a week that we are open) and it has been for some time, but there is no guarantee that will continue (however I do not foresee the OT stopping at all this year).
I have no plans of cancelling my 401K contributions. I would cancel the gym, Netflix or internet before I would stop that.

So then we have:
$2050 Income
-$1650 Expenses
=$400.00 in the Black each month

So even without OT pay, rummage sales, recycling, FB sales, a second job or a roommate....I should be ok. I will continue to work as much OT as I can, and everything I come in under budget on, plus OT pay will go to savings. I have also reached out to a friend regarding being my roommate...they are going to let me know as they are moving back to town and they aren't sure of an exact date yet. I am not for sure yet if I want a roommate or a 2nd job (I mean I don't want either of those...but you get what I mean).

I will also have roughly $15K in savings when everything is done. So if I had a month where expenses were high I have a good size cushion.

Since tomorrow is June 1, I am going to use this month as a test month for my budget.

Welcome to all comments/advise.

I can't take this anymore. I can' breathe, I can't stop crying. I just threw up my lunch.

How could I be wrong about someone for 12 years. Am I really that stupid?

He asked me to go shopping on Thursday, came to my softball. Been texting and calling. Things seemed good considering.

This morning I went to my 2nd Al-Anon meeeting and got my oil changed, did dishes and actually cooked a lunch. Felt good I did so many things and was productive.

Then today I talked to him on the phone and he thinks it is best for both of us to be apart for good. He is not coming back.

How could I be so wrong about everything in my life?

Here is my reward for working so hard this weekend.

I started a new ab routine today, it's one of those 30 day dealies...it is set to start on June 1st, but I thought why wait another week, might as well start today! So I did that and an ab cardio video that I haven't done in a long time.

Was thinking a lot about things to focus on and the 3 I am really thinking for now to keep me busy and upbeat is #1 Physical Fitness, #2 Lawn Care and Improvement and #3 Cooking.

I am already very active, but would like to work on some areas, namely my abs, that is my "problem" area, so I am excited for this 30 day challenge to get a good kick start.

The lawn/yard work is never ending. Honestly my yard is terrible. I have several rock beds that are completely overrun by weeds. Lots of yellow patches, a spot where a stump got pulled out so now it's just a big circle of dirt....I mean I really could do yard work everyday for hours and never get it all done. So that will be a good hobby for me to get into.

I would like to do at least one night a week where I make a new dish. When I went to a BBQ this weekend I didn't have much notice, and was texted to "Just bring some chips or something" I had like an hr to get ready and decided to whip up a noodle salad instead of grabbing chips and everyone loved it so that made me happy. So I thought that would be something fun to focus on and make me feel good.

Happy Memorial Day to all who serve, who have served, and the friends and family of all who sacrifice so much! Thank you for your service to our country! You are so appreciated everyday!!

Special prayers to my Grandpa in heaven.


I am not sure who all have been in the service from this site, but THANK YOU to Mooshocker and enjoy this day with your family!

Very intense morning! Last night I was so nervous about my run and the meeting. This morning I woke up and was still nervous. Just tried to focus on the run so that I wouldn't be so nervous about the meeting. Got up and got moving....the official FB status of the day.

"Going for a 6 mile run, if you see my laying on the side of the road....DNR
Unless you have ice cream, then by all means do what you can."

The run went good. The hills were killer, but with the right tunes I can dig through almost anything. "Taking Care of Business", "We are the Champions", "Low Rider" and "We will rock you"...plus a smattering of Michael Jackson helped me through. I ended up being there about a half hr early. I do not remember the last time I felt so nervous (probably 6 yrs ago when we were sitting in the drs office to find out why we weren't pregnant ). I felt like I was going to start crying if anyone even looked at me. I was surprised that I was the youngest person there by about 30 years. Everyone was SO SO nice and awesome. I still felt nervous and tearful but they tried so hard to make me feel comfortable. I am very glad I went and I do think I will continue to go in the future. It felt good. It felt safe. They tried to give me some materials to take home, I said I can't take them right now, I ran here and I have to run home. They said oh that is good that you ran here and did something good for yourself...I said that isn't why I ran here...I ran here cause I was worried I would leave...and I knew if I ran here I would be too tired to run back right away, but if I drove I could just keep going right past and not stop...they thought it was funny...not sure if they thought I was joking, but I really was serious.

Then I had to run another 3 miles home...this part was mostly (at least the first 1.5-2 miles) downhill, but now running into the wind...and on JELLO legs. By the time I got done running downhill and had to run on flat ground again I was spent. But made it home in one piece and a respectable time for a non-runner type (I am an athlete, but not built really built for running...lol). My body is going to HATE me tomorrow...lol.

The last few days have been ok....Wednesday sucked...started getting texts from DH at 5:30am (hello I am sleeping!) and they were not nice. Didn't text him back for the rest of the day cause I don't need to be talking to someone that talks to me like that.

Then yesterday he surprised me by showing up to watch my softball game. He only stayed about 45 min or so, but I still thought it was very nice that he came. Thursday evening is when we had planned that he will go to the house (because I will be gone for softball) and do laundry, get groceries, movies, anything else he needs at his place so we have a set time and I won't be home. So he left and went to the house to finish his laundry, when I got home he was still there because his laundry wasn't dry yet. He had cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes and fixed a lock on a door that I had been having trouble with since he left. So that was great! He then asked me if I wanted to go to dinner since it was happy hour. So we went and had some half price appetizers and drinks. He ordered a water with his drink. So that was also good.
Unfortunatley everytime we see each other it just leaves me very sad cause then I go home alone and wonder what happened to our lives....cried the whole drive home..ugh. But overall it was a good interaction between us so I need to focus on that part and remember that this is going to be a sloooooooow process.

TGIF everyone, hope you enjoy your long weekend!!

Saturday morning I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting. I am nervous. And to be honest I just don't want to go. But I need to. So I am planning a run there....Something that motivates me to go. It is 3 miles each way. And on the way there is almost completely up (STEEP) hills. This is a decent run for me, and where I live is completely flat (I will have to run about a mile before I start running up hill) so this will definitely be challenging. But 6 miles! I am excited! I can do it!!

I hit a HR last night at softball! YEAH! To be fair...it was not over the fence...however I burned the center fielder and ran all the way home! YEAH!

I made food today. Granted it was in the microwave....but that is the most I have done to find nourishment in 10 days. (I did make an amazing salad for tailgating at softball, but didn't eat any of it when I made it). If I am hungry (which doesn't happen much these days) I have a yogurt, cereal or grab a slice of cheese or sandwich meat...So that is a step that I actually put something in a bowl an heated it up.

I went to the library and got some books to read. Gonna go sit with one in the hot tub soon. That will be nice and relaxing!

My electric/heat bill came yesterday and is down $50 from last month. I haven't watched TV (other then Netflix in bed) since DH left. Haven't had the heat on in weeks (even though I've been FREEZING) and been keeping mostly everything off.

I checked our Discover Card today and it is on pace to be almost $1000 less then last month. Crazy. I knew we overspent, but $1000 drop in one month is ridiculous. The eating obviously went down significantly, and gas (because we aren't driving to the casino) not sure what else....the statement cuts on 6/2 so I am excited to see what the final total is. Possibly we saved enough on the CC bill to cover all of the costs of DHs apt? That would be great!

I have been working as most OT as I can this week. Should be around 11+ hrs by the end of the week (the most I can work is 12.5 since that is the most the office is open). Next week I only work 2 days (Monday is holiday and then I had Thursday and Friday off for a trip for me and DH...UGH). Anyways....since I am only working 2 days I won't be working much OT.

Also making a MONSTER list of things to do next week since I have that time off. So MUCH to do!

Found these on the side of my house while I was mowing the lawn. Surrounded my weeds and mess. Made me smile.

Last night DH asked me to come over. But he didn't ask till late I was in bed and tired. And I don't want to be chasing him around like that. If he wants to see me he should ask to come over and see me. Or invite me to dinner not text me to come over at 10:30 at night. So I slept crapping. Couldn't fall asleep forever, woke up at 2am, woke up at 4am, woke up at 6am.

Well today bites.

Woke up feeling like it could be good. Silly me.
I mowed the back yard, good. Productive.

It's my Mom's BD, so went to eat with my family. Invited DH, but he was busy (he had a graduation party for one of his athletes, so he did have a legitimate excuse, but since I haven't seen him in a week it still sucked). Lunch was good. Afterwards we went to one of my bro's house and played a pool tournament. We drew names to see who would play who..I got my Dad for the first round (which is who I would be most worried about), he got ahead of me right away, but I came back and won, then beat older bro in semi finals and my step-mom in the finals (she shouldn't have been in the finals, but younger bro accidentally hit in the 8 ball early in their game). So that was fun to be the champ! But my mind felt pre-occupied the whole time. My older bro has 2 kids, a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I love my niece and nephew. But when you want kids, and you don't have them, and you don't know if you ever will....it's just so hard to be around them. If you don't have kids YET and you know someday you will, then it's great and you can play and enjoy them and know you get the fun without the responsibilities. But not knowing if that will ever happen just eats me up, and everytime I smooch on my baby niece I feel like my Mom and Dad and brothers are looking at me with sad eyes and it kills me.

Got home feeling terribly depressed. Feeling sad about babies....and then so hard to come home knowing the person that is supposed to be there waiting for you isn't there. Figured the run worked alright yesterday. Try it again. Decided to ride bike instead cause I had a coupon for a free bag of chocolate chips, so I was going to ride my bike to the grocery store. Haven't taken my bike out yet this year. Went to the shed to get it out and a MOUSE scared the bejesus out of me! Pretty sure I probably scared the neighbors with my girly screams. Spiders - fine. Snakes - no problem. Mice - Absolutely not! UGHHHHH GROSS!!!

Cleaned by bike up, packed a bag with my keys, phone and coupon. Locked up the house. Got on my bike....tires that appeared ok when I pushed on them sank to the ground as soon as I climbed on. SIGH. OK so NOT going to ride my bike then. I already have workout clothes on, might as well run then. Unlocked the house, put my bike in the garage. Set my bag with my keys, phone and coupon on the counter by the door, set my watch, walked out and locked the door.
YUP. LOCKED OUT OF THE HOUSE....AND NO PHONE. AWESOME. So I walked across the street to the neighbors and called DH to come unlock the door.

As I said I haven't seen him in a week. He came over right away and let me in. Was nice and gave me a hug but it just made me feel worse cause now I am at the point where I don't know if I want him to come back or not. I really don't know anymore. If he made the changes he needed to make...and came back...would I really be happy? I don't know. And that is the worst feeling.

So I tried hard to get myself out of my funk today. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer...and nobody wants to read a blog by a Debbie Downer...so how about just buck up. Ok.

I cleaned, did 2 loads of laundry, vacuumed, worked on my blog, moved around some retirement investments, marked some things for the rummage sale and mowed the lawn. So then I felt productive...but not really any perkier.

Decided to go for a run. How can you feel bad when you finish a run? I can't. So unless I ate it on a curb and fell or something it would be a good fix. Normally when I run I listen to music, but today I didn't. When I was working on my blog I had been marathon watching "Who the f#*! did I marry" on Netflix (ironic I know). When I was running I thought "Wow look..you didn't marry a murderer, a rapist, a pedophile, a criminal, a wife beater..etc." Weird to think like that but for whatever reason it made me feel "Hey things could be worse...all those people are ok now. They had horrible things happen to them and they dealt with them, they survived, they are happy again." And then I thought I didn't marry any of those things, I married a liar, a cheater, and an alcoholic. And the I got MAD. But I was running...so what can you do? You just keep running....so that's what I did....got home. Stopped my running watch. PR by 3:44!!!!!! I took almost 4 minutes off of my best time of running a 3.5 mile loop. WHAT! Apparently I run amazing when I am pissed! LOL I was so happy with my awesome run! And then I puked. LOL Maybe overdid it...but it felt great. So there. I made myself happy.

Disclaimer - Not trying to throw DH under the bus here and make it sound like everything was his fault. I am not perfect in any form of the word...that was just how I was feeling while I was running.

Yup. I said it. I hate Saturday. I knew today would suck cause it's the first WHOLE day alone. But I thought I could focus, get stuff done. Rock out to Pandora. Easier said then done.

At least during the week I have work and softball to keep me busy. I previous enjoyed doing nothing on the weekends. House work, yard work, trip to the casino...nap on the couch...etc. But now it's just brutal. I slept for 12 (YES 12) hours. Still didn't want to get out of bed...cause what's the point?

Finally got up and tried to get a better attitude. Picked up and vacuumed my bedroom, put in a load of laundry. Balanced the checkbook. There is tons more I could be doing. But I don't want to. Ambition level is 0. Just been sitting on my bed for the last hour doing nothing. Listening to Phil Collins Greatest Hits CD on repeat. One of my fav love songs is on there (Groovy kind of love) and one of my saddest ever (One more night). UGH.

If anyone finds my brain or my heart laying around. Please return asap.

Sincerely, Falling apart at the seems

WOW! That is a lot of hits! Thanks everyone for reading and commenting! Wether it's about paying off the house, CVS shopping or tough times in life, everyone here is always SO SUPPORTIVE! I know I say thanks a lot but I wish I could say more to let you know I appreciate the comments, advice and HUGS!


I am behind right now since I have been busy with OT, softball and keeping myself together, but hopefully can catch up on here (and my house/yard work!) this weekend!

TGIF everyone!

I get to use all the hot water in the shower.

I get to listen to MY music (all 80's, all the time!) as loud as I want, ALLLL DAY.

Today was not good. Hadn't talked to DH since 11am yesterday. I made it through yesterday ok (although I didn't leave the house and barely left the bed)...however I didn't feel absolutely terrible.

Thought he would call or text....nothing (I did not call or text either). Then after lunch finally got a text....cause he was having trouble getting his electric bill set up....UGH. When my phone buzzed and I saw his name I was SO EXITED. Thought it would say I love you or I miss you...not can't get the electric set up. Grrrr. I had been doing ok till then cause we weren't planning on talking for the first few days to get everything settled...but the excitement and then letdown of the text kinda crushed me. Then I was angry and sad and ugh. Talked to him tonight and it SUCKED. I was excited to talk to him and he seemed ticked at everything I said and it was just a terrible conversation ending with me crying till I couldn't breathe. Been a few hrs and I texted him sweet things and goodnight and he didn't respond at all. FML.

Also I went out to the bar this weekend and met a psycho (SERIOUSLY)...he seemed harmless enough (if not extremely forward) at the bar...until I found out he took my phone number from my phone (I was in the bathroom, phone was with my friend who was talking to him and apparently my friend (boy who obviously was not being observant) didn't notice him calling himself from MY phone so that he would have my number). So got barrage of phone calls and texts ranging from "You're so beautiful" to "I want to marry you" to "so illicit I can't type it on the internet" Yikes. And most of those were the next day...when he was not drinking. And I had my wedding ring on at the bar and he knew I was married. WTH. Thought he would get the hint when my only reply was "No I'm married" But after the 15th "Please can I come see you" I blocked his number. No worries friends, he doesn't know my last name, where I live, where I work, etc. But that was just some unneeded stress..I just wanted to go out and have a drink with a friend with no junk from my life and instead get that..Ooofta.

-It's Friday!
-It's Payday!
-I got a new laptop on Wednesday night, haven't even had a chance to open it yet, but an excited as the old one was very near death.
-I had softball on Tuesday (old team, Rec II) and Thursday (new team, Rec I, higher league) and we won both games, both nights! So I am 4-0! I was a little nervous for Thursday night since it is a higher league then I have played on before and a new team where I only knew one person, but it went very well and it's nice to meet new people that don't know my life is such a mess.

DH isn't moving till Sunday, but will be gone until late this evening and also almost all day tomorrow with work so feels like I really don't have any time left till he is gone. Again last night he insisted he IS coming back. I keep telling him not to say that cause I can't believe it right now.

Will be working on my lists for things to do to make me happy tonight and tomorrow and hopefully spend time with family on Sunday.

Between work, overtime, 2 nights of softball and taking care of the house/lawn, I really don't think I will have much time to be bored. So that is good...when I get bored I start feeling the worst...like I am a loser and no one even cares what I am doing right now... So main focus for now will be to stay busy as I get used to this new stage.